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Klaus Kinski

THE SHAKIEST HEAD IN THE WEST (and in the central and eastern zones)

 Is there a more Pavolian sound known to the American public than the ching-chang of TV’s Law & Order? Like most of our huddled-in-front-of the-TV-glow masses, I have watched every permutation of the show and its respective spin-offs endlessly, aimlessly, and inordinately.

I’ve watched squirrelly Mikey Moriarty, Deer Hunter schlub George Dzunda, cool daddy Jerry Orbach, pin-up boy Benjie Bratt, and Chicago toughy Dennis Farina all go through their paces, artfully tossing ironic one-liners and arching their eyebrows over so many stiffs that they could be laid side-buy-side in two Superdomes.

Still, when all is said and done, I can never remove my eyes from the one-and-only spooky tooth ongoing Televised Performance Art (no joking matter) courtesy of Vincent D’Onofrio as Detective Robert Goren in Law & Order: Criminal Intent. And now, the latest sad, bad, television news—this will be D’Onofrio’s last season in action, as the USA network smarties have acceded the full position to Jeff Goldblum’s (the duo had been alternating episodes) more predictable, sleeve-tugging hijinx.